Thinking
by PetPetAngel
Summary: There are lots of things that Cosmo doesn't like to think about. There are even more he'd never like to forget. [CosmoxTimmy SLASH]


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Thinking

Written by:

PetPetAngel

Notes: B-Day fic for the one and only Leslie. X333 (cuddles close)

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This one is different. This one is special.

In the beginning, it was understanding. In the beginning, it was friendship.

Day one passes, and Cosmo already knows that this boy, this one, is special. There is something about the little boy with bright blue eyes that says that this one will be different. This one isn't because one wants more, but rather, just because he wants better.

And before he's even assigned to the ten year old, Cosmo knows that this one is special, unique, a change in the long pattern of snobby children.

This one is different. This one is special.

This one is his for the taking. This one is his for the keeping.

-

The feelings didn't actually start out as much, Cosmo realizes, and in his head he knows that they should never go any further than that. While actions speak louder than words, Cosmo knows that neither of the options are available to him. This is something he will have to keep his silence about.

He tries not to think about it all, but it's hard. The boy's smile, so pure, so innocent, and so sincere ignites something from inside him – something deep down in his heart. He knows he cares deeply for his godchild, but he's having trouble accepting that he might actually _love_ him.

It doesn't seem possible, but then again, Cosmo thinks, all things impossible seem to happen to me.

He sighs softly, watching from the windowsill as Timmy plays catch with Chester, for AJ had disappeared for a bit, trying once more to perfect his time machine, still hoping to make it into the twenty-fourth century. He tilts his head to the side and smiles as the boy looks up to him, and gives a light chuckle.

This is something he'll have to keep his silence about, even though it really didn't start out as much.

-

It's just a simple practice assignment, testing his reading comprehension skills, but it's giving him trouble.

This happens often. Crocker's harsh assignments seem to have gotten worse as the year progressed, and Timmy's brows furrow in irritation, his lips pursed at the packet on his desk. Wanda has made him promise not to help the boy, or even distract him. She has been pressing Timmy's grades more than usual and Cosmo knows it annoys the boy, but he can't blame her.

Cosmo walks over to the boy, keeping his silence but glancing over his shoulder to see where he's gotten stuck. The book they're reading in class, Cosmo is certain, is far beyond their age level, but he knows Crocker doesn't care. He glances at where Timmy's finger has stopped, noticing it's under the word 'permeated'.

He knows what it means, but he hands the dictionary to Timmy, who glances at him, not amused. "I hate him," he says softly, skimming through the many pages of the dictionary. "He's so…"

Timmy finds the word in the dictionary, stops speaking, reads, and then hands the dictionary back to Cosmo. "Thanks," he says, his eyes already back on the chapter due for reading. His eyes furrowed in concentration, Cosmo keeps the large book handy, knowing it will not be long before it's used once more.

Cosmo resists the urge to sit next to the boy, and actually _help_ him, instead of just seeming like the mean godfather. He isn't good at keeping himself still most of the time, just like Timmy; they both have boundless amounts of energy that usually keep Wanda more than busy. But now: it's study time, and Cosmo sighs, knowing that Wanda will yell at him later for what he's about to do.

He pulls a chair up beside Timmy, helping him through his reading, explaining the plot, and character significance. In terms of reading, he's never understood, he has good memory. He remembers reading this story a few hundred years ago, and it was beyond him why Timmy's class would be reading it.

It's just a simple practice assignment, testing his reading comprehension skills, but it's giving him trouble.

-

Wanda would never approve, if she knew.

But she doesn't know, Cosmo thinks to himself, resting his chin in his hands. If she ever knew, she'd kill them both. It's so unfair, Cosmo thinks, sighing, he doesn't want it to be this way.

He feels guilty, because he knows he genuinely loves them both – both his wife of so many years, and this new godchild, both loud and soft at the same time, both mischievous and innocent at the same time, and both shy and bold at the same time. There is something in the half lidded glances that make Cosmo wonder.

He also feels guilty about that, and Cosmo knows that's his own fault. His feelings, so immoral, so 'uncaring' by the means of society have him seeing things that he only wishes that were there. He wants something from Timmy, but he's not sure he'll ever get it.

It's not right, but he doesn't mean any harm. He knows that it would not work out that way – if anyone ever found out. He tries not to think about things like that, but sometimes, when the boy is leaning against him, his head resting on his shoulder, it's so hard to resist the urge to pull him closer that he almost thinks that that one kiss would be worth the trouble.

Wanda would never approve, if she knew.

-

It hurts him.

He hurts him.

He doesn't seem to mean to do any of it, and Cosmo knows, way down in his heart, that he doesn't mean it at all. Timmy doesn't mean to hurt him like this, to make him feel this way.

His heart is the one talking, running after an impossible dream – the worst part was that his mind knows just how impossible it really is, and that hurts him more than anything. He doesn't want this to be how it is, but there are some things that Cosmo knows you can't control.

Love is one of them.

And this he knows well, because here he is once more, watching the boy sleep. It's four in the morning and everyone in the house is long gone into dreamland. He shouldn't be awake, but somehow, this makes him feel better.

It doesn't really make much sense, that this would make him feel better. But the boy's deep, even breathing, the way the moonlight shines on his face and the way his hair curls around his cheeks is so calming, so endearing.

He's almost ready to say that Timmy could be an angel.

And yet, at the same time, it hurts. Because Cosmo knows the improbability of it all, the chances, the risks, the questions. He knows what his hopes and his fears are, but he's waiting for and what he's almost certain he'll never get, and most of those things are somehow revolving around the oblivious ten year old boy lying in bed, his back to him.

It hurts him to know he can't have him.

It hurts to know that he wants him so badly.

It hurts him to know that he'll never be his.

-

He's going to break soon, if something doesn't happen.

It's been like this for the past few days. The want, the need for the ten year old has been growing stronger and stronger and it's been getting to him. Cosmo's hands shake and his eyes tell the world how tired he really is – all the sleep he's been missing because of the small boy. He doesn't want them to know, but his body is already saying everything he can't.

Timmy is worried about him.

Cosmo tells him not to worry, that it's okay, and everything is fine, but the boy is persistent and doesn't listen. It's not okay, he says, and for just a moment, a flicker of hope, love, of knowledge, something, flashes through Timmy's eyes and Cosmo blinks. This doesn't make any sense, but for just a moment, Cosmo thinks Timmy's gotten older.

"I want to talk to you about it," the boy says, and his tone is pleading, as if he doesn't have this conversation with his god-parent, he himself is going to go mad.

Cosmo glances as the boy, but turns away from his eyes. It's too much. Too much caring and too much love and too much adoration and hope and it's all directed at him. It hurts too much.

He shakes his head no, "I'm sorry," and leaves.

He's going to break soon if he doesn't get out of there.

-

And suddenly Cosmo feels that he has to do something to get it out, he has to talk to someone. He feels horrible about leaving Timmy out of the blue and ignoring him but the ache inside is overpowering. Unlike before, now the very sight of Timmy seems to set him off, make him giddy; forget what he's actually doing.

There's something about Timmy he can no longer resist, that that part of him, the one that wants to make the first move, scares him more than anything. He's afraid that he's going to do something he'll regret, and while he knows he's already passed the point of slightly paranoid, Cosmo can't help it.

He knows it's wrong, but he can't lose him. Not after all of this.

Cosmo doesn't like to think about those things.

-

And suddenly, as if in a dream, Cosmo realizes where he is, what he's doing, and why he's doing it.

He's on top of Timmy, on his bed, the boy between his legs, his hands caught in his own. In other words, Cosmo is almost certain he'd almost lost it. He stares at the startled eyes gazing up at him, but there's something about this that feels so right, so perfect, like two pieces of a puzzle finally finding their place, together.

Somehow, Timmy doesn't seem so terrified, but Cosmo ignores it, knowing it's in his mind. There's no way that the little boy, still innocent, could want something like this, realize the magnitude of what it all meant.

And as if in a dream, Cosmo realizes that it _isn't_ a dream, that this is real, and this isn't right. He gasps, moving from over the boy, and poofs away.

He doesn't want to think about might happen if Timmy tells Wanda.

-

Cosmo feels his heart stop, hears it thumping in his ears. The boy, Timmy, his Timmy, is so close, so innocent, and so loving. Timmy is nearly pressed against him, leaning forward on his arms, and his eyes are so bright and filled with so many feelings that Cosmo isn't even sure where to start with trying to decipher them.

"T-Timmy!"

His voice is high in nerves, but Timmy doesn't seem to react to his panicked expression. As if in a dream, the ten year old moves closer and closer, until Cosmo can feel his breath on his lips. "Timmy, you… You can't!" He tries not to think about it, "It's against the rules!"

"Cosmo," Timmy whispers, and Cosmo feels the boy caressing his cheek, "Rules were made to be broken, you know that."

And in a split second, Timmy dives forward, crashing his lips to Cosmo's, holding the man close and Cosmo is sure he isn't breathing. He tries not to reciprocate, tries not to think about _that_, either, but the boy's lips are so soft against his own and his body is so close and so warm that, without realizing it, he's leaning into the kiss.

Please, he begs silently, don't ever let this end…

-

And all the kisses and hugs that disappear during the day come out at night, when Cosmo lays next to Timmy, enjoying the mere feel of the boy next to him.

Despite everything, he can't bring himself to go further.

The kisses, the touches, those he feels he must do. Those he is fine with, but moving further, it's almost like there is a barrier between them, but Timmy doesn't seem to mind.

Cosmo doesn't think that the boy is ready for it anyway, ready for the consequences. And in a way, Cosmo is happy that Timmy's fears only go to the test next Tuesday, or the quiz they might have tomorrow.

The boy is next to him, so warm, and loving. As Cosmo looks into his eyes, he sees nothing but pure sincerity and kindness in his eyes. He knows that Timmy is not the kind to deceive those he actually loves, but it makes him feel better if he can see it. Sometimes, he needs to know beyond just words.

So he tries for as long as he think he can to stop thinking about all the hurt that could come in the end, all the risks they're both taking. In the end, there are lots of things that Cosmo doesn't like to think about, but there are more things he'd rather not forget.

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_Happy B-Day Leserlie! (hugs tight)_


End file.
